Person jokes

What do you call a person with a hole in their shoe?

A Christian.

Is it okay to say "nice to meat you" to a vegan?

Chuck Norris hasn’t decided yet when Jimmy Hoffa can come out.

Apparently Steven Hawking was a stand-up kind of guy.

When you say, "I'm high!"

But then you fall off.

A man enters a bar with some friends, and they all sit down to a drink. After not too long, a man with glasses comes through the front door saying, "Anyone who wants to fly off the third story balcony, come upstairs with me!" When no one listens, he shrugs, and everyone watches him go up the stairs. Ten seconds later, he comes back in through the door, again saying, "Anyone who wants to fly off the third story balcony, come upstairs with me!" Everyone is amazed, and a few people leave to go fly with him. He keeps coming back into the bar, bringing more and more patrons to join him. The man at the bar is about to join in when the bartender finally sighs.

"For the last time, Superman, get out of my bar, you're drunk and the only person here that can fly!"

The man with glasses frowns.

"Where did all the others go, then?"

Man: I'm here for the job interview.

Employer: Oh good, good. Sit down. We don't get many people for the interviews.

Man: Just anywhere?

Employer: Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Jackson, right?

Man: Yeah, that's me.

(Shakes hands and sits back down)

Employer: So what makes you eligible for the job, Jackson?

Man: Well, I'm really good at capturing the perfect shot and angle. It really takes dedication to do this type of job. Concentration and willpower, sir.

Employer: I like you already, you're hired!

Man: Wow, thanks, sir. I know I won't do you wrong. I'll work hard for this job!

Employer: You start now! Your first person is a man named John F Kennedy.

Man: What? You want me to just take pictures of him during the parade?

Employer: No.

Man: This... This is a photography job, right?

Employer: No... this is a job employment for man hunting.

You're so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.

What do an orphan and a blind person have in common? They both can't see their parents.

I miss Gwen.

The top worst thing for an orphan, and probably the most awkward one, is when they're having sex and the other person is calling them "mommy" or "daddy."

What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.

What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?

Perform fellatio.

Campbell.

Why did the suicidal person cross the road? He was waiting for a car.

What's the difference between Jesus and a gay person?

One created the rainbow, the other one ruined it.

(Yes, I know God created the rainbow, not Jesus.)

P = Person (not original "pun")

P1: Hey girl! P2: I got a bf! P1: Well, I got a Lamborghini Aventador, a Bugatti Super Sports, a yacht, and a private plane. P2: BF stand for breakfast. P2: Oh, and also, where did you get all that stuff? P1: GTA5 P2: You motherfucker!!!

(Communications with this person are now blocked)

Why did Stephen Hawking roll across the road?

Because he had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

Someone kills an emotionally weak person by hard words and bullying.

No one will suspect the killer was anyone who took part.

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.

The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.

He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.

When he died, the Angel came back for him.

"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.

"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."