Person jokes
You look like a cat.
Everyone always has a special person in their life someday, but I think yours got ran over by a bus.
You're so short, when it rains you're the last one to know.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
What's the difference between a black person and an apple?
An apple chooses to hang.
How did black people learn to steal sports cars?
By playing GTA nonstop.
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
Looks like he never charged up fully.
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot Wheels.
What's one of the worst motivational things to say to a suicidal person?
“Hang in there!”
How do you restrain a straight person? Give them a straight jacket.
How do you restrain a trans person? Make the trans vest tight.
What do a crippled person's legs and the Twin Towers have in common? They both went down and never came back up.
There were 5 people on an airplane.
1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world
The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."
"Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."
The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.
The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.
The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.
Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"
And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"
Tyler
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*
Me: *looks at person's hand* This guy doesn't have fingers!
Random person with no fingers: Why do you have to point that out?
Why did the depressed person cross the road?
To get run over.
I'M SHORTTT!
I'm not saying I'm ugly...
But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.