Person jokes

What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? You're not dead.

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.

What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip.

What do you call a Navajo with a lot of cash?

Johnny Cash.

What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?

We're both blind.

A lumberjack goes to a person's house.

Then he realized the tree was too big and was stumped and had to leaf.

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the first person to try Five Guys?

There were 5 people on an airplane.

1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world

The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."

"Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."

The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.

The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.

The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.

Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"

And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"

What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.

You look like a cat.

When your crush walks in class but you're homeschooled...

Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”

Person 2: “Seven.”

Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”

Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”

(Based on an encounter I had recently)

A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!

What's the difference between a black person and an apple?

An apple chooses to hang.

If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?

Poop Jackson.

How did black people learn to steal sports cars?

By playing GTA nonstop.

What do you call a person in a wheelchair?

Anything they can't catch you.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?

Hot Wheels.