Person jokes
A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"
The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."
I whopped my daughter's butt because she doesn't listen.
I now have a court date for child abuse and crimes against a deaf person.
You’re so short, you could sweep under your bed while standing.
You see a boat filled with people, yet there isn’t a single person on board. How is that possible?
All of them are married!
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."
Person 1: Wasn’t Stephen Hawking on X Factor?
Person 2: No, why would he be on X Factor?
Person 1: For dancing.
Me: *listening to music under a tree and smiling*
Random person who sees me: Awwww look at him, he looks so so happy ^w^
Me: *actually listening to depressing music that makes me wanna kill and end myself but just smiles to show that everything's gonna be fine even if it won't*
You're so skinny, you can hula-hoop with Fruit Loops!
What do you call someone with Down Syndrome who smokes weed?
A baked potato.
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
What do you call a Japanese person when their knees are cured?
"Happynese" (happy knees).
Man's got that big bati, you know.
Person: Hey, do you know what's the best thing in life?
...
You do realize that I said nothing, right?
Me: Exactly :)
What is the difference between a human and a magic house!?
A magic house 🏡 can fly, and a human can walk.
I'm Black, when a cop sees me, he shoots.
What is a gay person’s favorite book?
The dictionary.
I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...
But now I don't know what to do with the letters.
What was Hellen Keller's dog's name?
Durrrrrrrr.
Kid: Wanna hear a joke?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Why diddncjcjcbfjcbcjdbbskzmzj b b j no?
Me:?
I was just sitting down when all of a sudden she screamed, "Help!"