Owned jokes
"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isnβt it time she got a place of her own?"
"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."
Your hairline is so big, it counts as its own planet.
Me: Yβall should start calling me 1943.
Friend: Why?
Me: 'Cause Iβm going through my own Great Depression.
SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"
Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"
Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...
My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."
My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.
For all the planes who are flying alone, you're not dying on your own.
Dude, if you're at the ATM, wouldn't that mean you're buying your own money?
My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.
What do gay guys and priests have in common?
They are both gay in their own ways.
What is the difference between a feminist and a gorilla?
At least gorillas don't abort their own.
What part of "Another One Bites the Dust" do you sing to a disabled person to make fun of them? "I'm standing on my own two feet."
Why do cannibals love sex? They can make their own food.
So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and itβs like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.
Guys, donβt suck your own dick, it does not feel like your dick is being sucked, it feels like you're sucking a dick.
Which dog is owned by a kid called "Charlie Brown," raps, and smokes?
Snoopy Dog.
How did Jesus become self-sovereign?
He screws himself and becomes his own creator.
What does Jesus have in common with Pinocchio?
They believe their own lies.
Why do laws forbid hoes from owning stocks in condom makers?
Answer: Insider trading.
Why was Elon Musk unable to land a job as a television host at NBC?
His own car cannot catch up with Jay Leno's Corvette!
Our soon to be ex-Justice Minister is trying to distract us from his own misconduct charges by funding advocates for crime victims.
He should fund proctologists too because he'll likely need both after prison.