Outing

Outing jokes

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.

I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.

I remarked, "You lazy!"

I can't tell what's farther, the Great Wall of China, or how far Paul Walker flew out of his windshield.

"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."

"What's been going on, John?" I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

The dirty bastard!

Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

Me in the middle of the night boiling water.

Me talking to my brother: How do you make holy water?

My brother: How?

Me: You boil the hell out of it.

What is a reverse exorcism?

It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child’s body.

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

Yo forehead is so big, Albert Einstein couldn’t figure out the measurement of it!