One jokes

How are wet clothes and a depressed person alike? One gets hung up to dry, the other gets hung up to die.

A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:

Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

Little Johnny was late to school one day, and Miss Brown asks, "Johnny, how come you're late to class?" And Johnny says, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and started fucking the white cow." Miss Brown said, "Johnny, don't use that word. Next time you want to say that, use the word 'surprised'."

The next day Johnny was late again, and Miss Brown said, "Johnny, why are you late?" And Johnny replied, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and 'surprised' the white cow." Miss Brown said, "That's much better, Johnny." And Johnny said, "Yeah, walked straight passed it and started fucking the black one."

Why does no one die a virgin? Cause life fucks us all.

In India, 3 things are wide and far everywhere, but no one admits: racism, sexism, and Sunny's jism.

If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.

What makes a nuke and divorce the same?

It only takes one of each to end your life.

When I see your face, there's one thing I want to change.

The direction I'm looking.

I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.

I'd give you a nasty look, but you've already got one.

Two nuts were walking down the street, and one was a-salted!

One thing is for sure, the victims from 9/11 died warm.

If I had 10 dino nuggies and Jamal tried to take one, I would have ten dino nuggies and Jamal's head.

People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.

"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.

Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.

When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.

What did one butthole say to the other?

"I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"

"Lizzie Borden took an axe. And gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one."

Yo mama so fat, she is one of the boulders in Indiana Jones.