When I was a kid I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
My friend made this joke (so I’m going steal it) I’m surrounded by fat people, oh wait... it’s just one
Three guys are on a plane one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American, and the Pilot says “There is to much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off.” So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said , “I have plenty of these where I come from,” the the Asian threw out some rice and said “I have plenty of these in my country,” The American threw out a bomb and said, “I have a lot of these in my country.” The plane crashes anyway and the three men start to walk away from the crash, as they were walking the found a boy crying they asked him what was wrong and he said, “A ton of Buritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy,” The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying they asked him what was wrong and he said, “A ton of rice fell out of the sky and sherded all my clothes.” The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble, they kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny the boy said, “MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!”
I love all races, even the bad ones
Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...
It’s a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimers." Boy: "What's that?" Grandpa: "What's what?"
its always fun to take anti-depressants, you either choose to take one, or the whole bottle.
what did one copper say to the other? C U
I wanted another piece of pizza.... but she said I could only have One Piece.
what has four legs nd one arm? a doberman at the playground
My friend: you ever feel like life is pointless *drives faster* Me: yea- My friend: if you could die with one person who would it be? *speeds up more* Me: H-hey you should slow down! slow down slow down! were about to-
Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake but it ended up fulfilling the 5 year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.
You know that if it says adopt a highway and no one does were driving on orphans
What's the difference between 911 and a Mexican gardener? One of them is an outside job
Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals. In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky. The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud"
whats the difference of your birth and 911 one was planed
What’s the difference between an orphan and a leaf? Only one falls down the family tree
My dad And I were fishing one day
That’s where he met my step mom
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend? One bails her hay and the other heils her bae.
