One jokes

When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: Seeing others happy.

Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?

Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.

Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.

Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...

Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?

Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.

One day, the teacher asks a boy, "Why can't fish talk underwater?"

The kid says, "If I put your head underwater, will you be able to talk?"

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

What's the difference between a prostitute and a daredevil?

One has cunning stunts, whilst the other has a stunning...

What do you get when you cross a lesbian that is a feminazi, a lesbian that is a progressive democrat, a promiscuous woman that is a lesbian prostitute working inside a lesbian brothel in San Francisco, California, and one of Jehovah's Witnesses?

I have 5 fingers and the middle one is for you

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.

How does Hellen Keller drive?

With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.

My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

One hat told another hat to stay behind, and he will go on a-head.

Like this if one of your family members is emo!

Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?

Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.

Q: What is the difference between Austin Matthews and a priest?

A: One looks like a pedophile and one is a pedophile.