One jokes
When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.
What is the one kind of work orphans don’t know? Homework.
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey.
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.
Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: Seeing others happy.
Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?
Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.
Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.
Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...
Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?
Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".
When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."
I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.
One day, the teacher asks a boy, "Why can't fish talk underwater?"
The kid says, "If I put your head underwater, will you be able to talk?"
What's the difference between a prostitute and a daredevil?
One has cunning stunts, whilst the other has a stunning...
I have 5 fingers and the middle one is for you
What do you get when you cross a lesbian that is a feminazi, a lesbian that is a progressive democrat, a promiscuous woman that is a lesbian prostitute working inside a lesbian brothel in San Francisco, California, and one of Jehovah's Witnesses?
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
"I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying."
- Charlie Chaplin
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”
Like this if one of your family members is emo!
Q: What is the difference between Austin Matthews and a priest?
A: One looks like a pedophile and one is a pedophile.
roses are red, unlike the rest, I'm the one who has your IP address.
Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?
Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.