Old jokes

What is the difference between a priest and McDonald's? Nothing, they both stick their meat in between 12-year-old buns.

Dr. Fauci would be surprised to know that R. Kelly didn't catch COVID-19.

But since COVID is 19, it's too old for him.

What's the best thing about f***ing twenty-six year olds?

There's twenty of them.

I snorted a line of coke off my 8-year-old sister’s tiny prepubescent vag. She just laid there and let me do it without complaining, probably because she was already dead.

Just.

Old.

Killer.

Epigrams.

So I told my sister, "Want [to] hear some jokes?" and she was like, "Hit me with [your] best shot, fire away," and I was like, "Okay, I know [you're] singing an old song, yeah I was trying to see if [you] sing too," and I said, "Who do [you] think I am, Chris Brown?"

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

Why did the Muslim man cross the road? To violently rape an eight-year-old girl, then indoctrinate her with Islamic scripture, and train her as a suicide bomber.

A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.

I don't have any now.

So, a guy is taking a piss in a public bathroom. He looks over and sees a short guy with a very large green dick, who looks up at him and says, “Is there a problem, boyoh?”

“I’m sorry, it’s just that thing is huge, and why the hell is it green?!” The man replies, “I’m a leprechaun.”

“Really?” says the man.

“That’s right. And I’ll grant you three wishes if you let me stick it in your pooper.”

“Anything I want?! Three of them?” replies the man.

“Anything in your wildest dreams, boyoh, but you have to let me finish.”

The man bends over, and the leprechaun puts it in. Thrusting back and forth, he asks for the man’s first wish.

“I want a giant yacht!”

“Aye,” says the leprechaun. “It’s pulling into your own private harbor now.”

“For my second wish, I want a billion dollars,” the man says, beginning to sweat.

“Aye, it’s stacked inside the yacht waiting for you,” the leprechaun replies.

“Okay,” the man groans in pain. “For my final wish, I want this yacht to be full of beautiful women.”

“You betcha, boyoh,” says the leprechaun. “The girls are there waiting for you nooWWW,” as he lets out a moan of pleasure.

The man, exhausted and sore, says, “That was rough, but worth it for those wishes. Where do I go?”

The little man with the giant green dick, pulling up his pants, his accent now gone says: “Aren’t you a little old to be believing in leprechauns?”

Spell "Peppa." Okay. P. E. P. P. A. Hahaha! You said peepee.

I tried this with my sister Makenna because she loves Peppa Pig and has a backpack of it. So I told her to spell her backpack's letters and tricked her... And she is only four years old and my secret is I am only eight years old.

"It never gets old."

"Just like a sick kid!"

An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."

For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:

Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."

Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."

Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."

What do McDonalds and priests both do?

They both put their meat between 10-year-old buns.

In memory of Michael Jackson, Vienna Beef, as well as various places, is introducing the Jackson Dog. A 50 year old sausage between a 9 year old bun.

What's an old Japanese man's last words?

"Hey, that cloud looks like a mushroom, or is it just me?"

This is why orphans are dangerous with cardboard. They either start eating it or making it into a house and hallucinating that they have a family.

So I threw out the cardboard and said, "You have to stay in reality. Fantasies aren't real. You can't and will never get a home."

Next day, they make cardboard parents, so I threw that away and said, "Pay attention to reality; you will never get parents."

Next day, they start acting like parents and tell me what to do. Again, I said, "Snap to reality. You will never be a parent!" The orphan responded with, "Oh, really?! How so?" I just simply said, "You don't have a house and parents. You literally like eating cardboard, and then you make parents out of it. You like to eat old people!"

What's the difference between a six-year-old and a submarine?

I've never been inside a submarine.

What is tall when it's young but short when it's old?

A candle or a pencil!