Nut jokes

I want an almond-flavored biscuit.

Cashew, see, I'm nuts about you!?

Do you know what SAWCON is?

SAWCON deez nuts.

Do you know Wildee?

What's that?

Will deez nuts fit into your mouth?

When I throw a dodge ball at a person taller than me, it's always a nut shot.

Have you heard of Wendy's?

Yea, Wendy's nuts in you mouth.

What are you willing to write in your notebook? These nuts.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

What do you think of your mom? I have to go now and tyyyytt.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!

Like if you have nuts.

This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."

Deez nuts!

Joe Biden deez nuts.

Do you know Biden?

Biden on these nuts.

Me: Do you like cobble?

My friend: No.

Me: Gobble deez nuts!

What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?

"Stop staring at my nuts."

I have nut cancer...

Hear about the guy who dipped his nuts in glitter?

Pretty nuts!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."