Nut

Nut Jokes

Question

Do you know when the thing of you when the was is where you and if you when you where if I and you where in the thing is where yes?

Hurricane

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!

Escapee

What do you call a nut that screws and then bolts?

An escapee from a mental hospital.

Mom

What do you think of your mom? I have to go now and tyyyytt.

Vegetable

This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."

  • 2
  • School

    *at school*

    Nobody: Do you want nuts?

    Me: Wait, you have some?

    Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

    Me: :0

    Dragon

    Imagine a dragon 🤔.

    Imagine me dragging these nuts across your face.

    Guy

    Hear about the guy who dipped his nuts in glitter?

    Pretty nuts!

    Homeless Man

    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

    "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

    I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."