Nut jokes
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Cashew, see, I'm nuts about you!?
Do you know what SAWCON is?
SAWCON deez nuts.
Why is jelly laughing a lot?
Because his friend goes nuts!
Memes
Friend A: Do you like Wendy's?
Friend B: Yes, why?
Friend A: Wen-dez nuts in your mouth!
What do you call a midget born from precum?
"Half Nut!"
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!
What do you call a nut that screws and then bolts?
An escapee from a mental hospital.
Like if you have nuts.
This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."
Joe Biden deez nuts.
Deez nuts!
Me: Do you like cobble?
My friend: No.
Me: Gobble deez nuts!
Do you know Biden?
Biden on these nuts.
What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?
"Stop staring at my nuts."
I have nut cancer...
Hear about the guy who dipped his nuts in glitter?
Pretty nuts!
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
What did one nut say to the other nut?
A: "Candice deez nuts fit in my mouth."