Nut

Nut jokes

Hurricane

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!

Memes

Escapee

What do you call a nut that screws and then bolts?

An escapee from a mental hospital.

Mom

What do you think of your mom? I have to go now and tyyyytt.

Vegetable

This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."

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  • School

    *at school*

    Nobody: Do you want nuts?

    Me: Wait, you have some?

    Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

    Me: :0

    Dragon

    Imagine a dragon 🤔.

    Imagine me dragging these nuts across your face.

    Guy

    Hear about the guy who dipped his nuts in glitter?

    Pretty nuts!

    Homeless Man

    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

    "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

    I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

    Mouth

    What did one nut say to the other nut?

    A: "Candice deez nuts fit in my mouth."