Nut jokes
Me: What's the fifth month of the year?
Friend: May.
Me: May deez nuts fit in your mouth?
Me: How do cowboys say hello?
Friend: Howdy.
Me: How do deez nuts fit in your mouth?
Do you know when the thing of you when the was is where you and if you when you where if I and you where in the thing is where yes?
I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
What are you willing to write in your notebook? These nuts.
What do you think of your mom? I have to go now and tyyyytt.
What do you call a midget born from precum?
"Half Nut!"
Friend A: Do you like Wendy's?
Friend B: Yes, why?
Friend A: Wen-dez nuts in your mouth!
The nut is so solid, it’s peanut brittle.
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Like if you have nuts.
In memory of Michael Jackson, various ice cream companies are introducing the Jackson Chocolate ice cream. It is either 50 year old cream mixed in with 10 year old nuts, or 7 year old vanilla ice cream with 50 year old chocolate drizzled on 4 year old tiny nuts.
This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."
Deez nuts!
Joe Biden deez nuts.
What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?
"Stop staring at my nuts."
Me: Do you like cobble?
My friend: No.
Me: Gobble deez nuts!
Do you know Biden?
Biden on these nuts.
I have nut cancer...
What did one nut say to the other nut?
A: "Candice deez nuts fit in my mouth."