Now jokes

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Control freak.

Con...

Ok, now you say, "Control freak who?"

On a winter day many play.

Some with snow, and I with ice Used as a device to slice Somehow I'm colder now.

I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........

Two planes crashed into two separate towers.

Now two towers crash into two separate planes.

Jefferey Dahmer asked his husband a question.

His husband said, "What's your question?"

Jefferey Dahmer said, "You want to know what is my favorite type of tree?"

His husband said "Yes?"

Jefferey said, "Morning Wood, now take off your pants!"

What did the undershirt say to the T-shirt when they were fighting?

"If you don't shut up right now, you're gonna lose your shirt!!!"

Get it?

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

I cut my dick. It is all right now, and half the size but makes for excellent breakfast.

As we speak now, someone is making arrangements for December with your girlfriend.

Once I threw the ball at a wheelchair kid. Now we are playing Rocket League! :D

I was reading a book one day when I suddenly heard a sound. It was the Grim Reaper. I ignored it and continued reading my book. Suddenly, I realized that I was one of the main characters, which, at the end, dies.

I used to like fireworks, but I'm dead now. Fireworks look like a charm if you don't mind something a little ghostly.

What lies beneath your nose and is being picked on? Your boogers.

Why did 10 run away?

Now it's 8, 9/11.

I killed a homeless dude, now she's at the funeral home. 😭💔

Teacher on school bus, "Everybody sit down now, the bus is about to start."

Ben: "I’m not going to sit down. I don’t want to."

Teacher: "You have to, or else you have to get off the bus."

Teacher: "*stands up*"

Ben: "Then you should get off the bus 'cause you're not sitting."

I whopped my daughter's butt because she doesn't listen.

I now have a court date for child abuse and crimes against a deaf person.

You have been a bad boy, so now I will have to pun-ish you!

Jack and Jill went up the hill so they can fetch some pee. Jack fell down and broke his whole body. Jill just laughed and didn’t care, so now they have a daughter.

A guy was doing bad things and died and went to hell.

Demon: Why you sad?

Guy: I’m in hell, can’t you see?

Demon: Well, we have fun here at hell.

Guy: Really? Nice.

Demon: We do sleeping in on Mondays.

Guy: OoOoOo

Demon: Tuesdays we swim in our lava or dive in fire. If you die, you’re already dead ☠️

Guy: Ok, does that mean I’m a ghost?

Demon: No, you're not a ghost.

Demon: Wednesdays we do a dance party and smoke and drink 🍺

Guy: Ooooooo, I can’t wait 😜

Demon: Thursdays we drink all day until we throw up and die, and you're already dead, remember that?

Guy: Ok, but I am dead, and if I die again, I was already dead, right?

Demon: Yup.

Demon: I have a question: Are you gay, and do you like kissing fire girls, and if you die, you are already dead?

Guy: Ummm, I am not gay, and I don’t like kissing fire girls 😱😱😱

Demon: Then you won’t like Friday or Saturday or Sunday, heheh.

Guy: I’m dead for real in the hell 🪦🏴‍☠️☠️☠️💀

Hell helll helll R.I.P hell is gone for now.

Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!

Now why an office supply keep rape videos, to make sure it was on tape?