Not jokes
What do you not say to an Emo if you want them to come round? "Wanna hang out."
The Ruler of Varvona wanted a fruitcake, but his subjects showed up at his castle with a Christian instead.
And he said: "NO, NO, NO! YOU IMBECILES! NOT THAT KIND OF FRUITCAKE!"
There never was a historical Jesus Christ. Hey, do not even dream of crucifying me.
Q: How do you turn a cat into a fish?
A: Tell the woman not to wash down there.
A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge.”
The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt.
“It’s really not your day, is it?”
Bro, I saw two dudes kissing LOL, but not regular kissing.
How is sex like air?
It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
A. Condoms have evolved. They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
If I had a dime for everytime the Australian president shat himself in a McDonald's, I would have one dime, which is not a lot, but it's weird that it happened.
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.
Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.
"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.
"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.
"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.
Your mama so fat when she steps on the scale, the scale said, "I'm trying to get your weight, not your phone number!"
Why do my parents not love me? Because I've fucked 12 dogs and 7 minors while they were watching!
I love these orphan jokes. It's not like they're gonna go tell their parents. ☠
What's an orphan's least favorite show? Family Guy ;)
It’s not like they can watch it anyway: it’s PG.
Why can't orphans be criminals?
Because they're not wanted.
Best not leave hungry kids unattended!
When I was your age, we had Wacko Jacko, not Florida Man.
I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.
She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."
Why was the orphan so successful? They said "go big or go home," but he could not do the second.