Elmo: Welcome to the new micronation of Tickelandia.
Dude: Why are we close to Disneyland?
Kid: I don't know.
Elmo: Rule 1, you must not tell the forests or Bob Iger about us.
Meanwhile, Officer: Come on, Elmo, you're going to prison.
*Officer arrests Elmo*
Elmo: But who wants tickles?
The police gave you a fine for not fixing your ugly hairline.
I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.
Yo mama so fat when the doctor saw her weight on the scale he said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"
You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."
I thought gender reveal parties were only for newborns, not for teenagers.
What can you catch, but not throw?
My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
Dark humor is like water; not everyone gets it.
A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."
What's Hitler's favorite letter? Not Z.
What chips are you not allowed to give to orphans?
Family size.
What do women and Nvidia have in common?
They both do not make very good drivers.
When does a pentagon not have 5 sides?
When it’s intersected by a plane.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.
Why did the emo kid not cross the road?
He was waiting for a car.
Your hairline is so far back that not even Tom Brady could throw that far.
What did Osama Bin Laden's kids not inherit after his death?
His hide-and-seek skills.
Why can't orphans be robbers?
Because they're not wanted.
Why is Newton not allowed to visit local farms?
The owners know that forces come in pears.
