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So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

What is the difference between a human and a magic car 🚗?

A magic car can fly, and a house 🏡 cannot fly.

In English class, the teacher says, "Kids, you need to say the alphabet. Okay, Sally, you first." Sally says, "Okay, a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z." The teacher says, "Good job, Sally." Then the teacher called on four other students who got it right. Then the teacher called on Little Johnny. The teacher says, "Little Johnny, say the alphabet." Little Johnny says, "b c e f g h i j k l m n o p s v w x y z." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, that's not right." Johnny says, "Oh, I forgot, u r a q t." The teacher says, "No, still not right, and thank you." Johnny says, "Oh, I’ll give you the d later." The class laughs and the teacher says, "Go to the office now."

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    • Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.

    She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.

    "S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."

    They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."

    "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"

    "I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

    "Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."

    "Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

    "No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."

    What is the difference between a tree 🌲 and a car 🚘?

    A car can drive, and a tree 🌳 cannot drive.

    What is the difference between a human being and a tree?

    A human can walk and a tree cannot walk.

    These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.

    Boy: Spell ME.

    Girl: M-E.

    Boy: You forgot the D.

    Girl: There is no D in ME.

    Boy: Not yet.

    An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.

    "I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."

    Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.

    The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.

    The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".

    My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."

    So I said, "Okay."

    Why was one afraid of every number in the world?

    Because ONE wanted TWO get something THREE FOUR FIVE at the yard sale, but SIX was not there. SEVEN EIGHT NINE as well. When all but ONE remained, it got TENse.

    What is the difference between a human and a magic car?

    A magic car can fly, and a human cannot fly.

    What is a difference between a tree and a car? A car 🚙 can drive and [a] tree 🌲 can not drive.

    What is the difference between a magic house 🏠 and a human?

    A magic house 🏡 can fly, but a human cannot fly.

    What is the difference between a human and a can?

    A human can walk and a can cannot walk.

    A boy was following me for 8 years, even into the stall. I finally told him I’m not gay.

    My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

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