Not jokes
He’s not dead, just his storage unit.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."
So I said, "Okay."
Why was one afraid of every number in the world?
Because ONE wanted TWO get something THREE FOUR FIVE at the yard sale, but SIX was not there. SEVEN EIGHT NINE as well. When all but ONE remained, it got TENse.
What is the difference between a human and a magic car?
A magic car can fly, and a human cannot fly.
What is a difference between a tree and a car? A car 🚙 can drive and [a] tree 🌲 can not drive.
What is the difference between a magic house 🏠 and a human?
A magic house 🏡 can fly, but a human cannot fly.
What time is it when you cannot walk? Time to get a wheelchair 🦽.
What is the difference between a human and a can?
A human can walk and a can cannot walk.
A boy was following me for 8 years, even into the stall. I finally told him I’m not gay.
My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."
Why does the large dildo not have any friends?
He's a pain in the ass.
What is the difference between a human and a tree? A human can walk, and a tree 🌳 cannot walk.
Why did the boy not cross the road?
Because he was on thin ice.
Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
Why didn't the bear leave home?
He could not bear leaving his family.
What do you call a happy child swinging with her friends at recess?
Not Sally.
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
Why does Trump "not" wear glasses? Because he's got 20/20 vision!
What is the difference between a car and a tree?
A tree cannot drive, but a car can drive.