Not jokes
9/11 happened... right?
The cops respond to 9-1-1... coincidence, I think not.
One night my brother asked me, "Am I a pro gamer?" I said, "No, you're not a Pro-grammer."
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Cause she had no arms.
Knock knock? Who's there? Not Sally.
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
What step did the DNA not take in his math equation?
He forgot to adenine!
A man walks into a store and orders 2 large chips. They give them to him and he says:
"I ordered 2 large chips, not 100 little ones!"
Why do people keep saying, "Why did the toilet paper not cross?" Because it got stuck in the crack, because it got stuck in their crack.
MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.
DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.
MOM: No, you're not.
My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
After a surgery, a man claimed he couldn't feel his legs. I replied, "Of course not, I amputated your fucking arms!"
You: Did you get the new snoo subscription?
Other: What's snoo?
You: Not much, how 'bout you?
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Stop making autism jokes, calling us "retards." It is not cool.
I didn't put my kids up for adoption.
"Can you tie a knot?"
"I cannot."
"So you can knot?"
"No, I cannot knot."
"Not knot?"
"Who's there?"
"F... off!"
Dark jokes are like clean water, not everyone gets it.
Why couldn't Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms.
Why couldn't Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her.
Why couldn't Sally pick up the box? (Friend: *Some weird guess*) Because she had no arms.
Why did Sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus.
Knock Knock. (Friend: Who's there?) Not Sally.
Why are orphans not allowed in stores?
Because else they would actually feel at home.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything had to be perfect...but not for long.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect... but not for very long.