Not jokes
Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.
"Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.
"Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"
Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.
Bob, why are you kicking the kids?
What, it's not like they have a home to go to.
A: Why did Sally fall off the swing?
B: Why?
A: Because she has no arms.
Knock, knock.
B: Who's there?
A: Not Sally.
Joe was eating ice cream while walking on the street. He dropped his ice cream. Why?
B: I don't know, why?
A: Because Sally was driving the car.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like all the passengers on the plane he was flying.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I pray God I'm not so ugly as you.
Period: Guess who’s back... back again...
Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?
Period: I can come back in 9 months?
Me: Keep fucking singing.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thank God I'm not as ugly as you.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?
Doctor: The morgue.
Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!
Doctor: And we're not there yet!
Why do orphans not care about sleep? Because they have no one to wake up to.
A teacher is teaching a class algebra. Timmy, you've worked out it is AK, but what is 59 minus 12? Timmy shakes his head, not knowing. The teacher asks, "How about AK 49 minus 2?" Timmy replies with um... The teacher becomes frustrated and yells, "What comes after AK, Timmy!?" The white kid at the back stands, shouts 47, and pulls the trigger.
Hey Gwen, listen, I know you're on this app, fake or not. I love you either way. Please find this faker and finish her off for what she's done, real Gwen.
*You're a real best Gwen*
POV there’s a school shooting.
American: First time, European?
European: Yeah, you American?
American: No, not my first time.
Women say their baby daddies are trash like... woman, didn't he impregnate you and didn't he win your heart? I mean, he's not trash, you are!
Yo mama's so fat, there's not enough yo mama's so fat jokes to tell how fat she is.
"Knock, knock.""Who's there?""Not your dad."Random kid: "My dad went to get milk. My mom said he will be back soon."
Why are orphans not boomerangs? Because they never come back.
Dwarfism is a growing problem.
Kidding, that’s not funny. My friend died of dwarfism.
He jumped off a curb stone.