What songs do people with no arms listen to?
None, 'cause they can’t press play.
What did the ferret say after his family was questioned by police?
It's none of your business!
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.
How many cats are in the human body?
None, unless you're Asian.
How many people can jump higher than a mountain? None. Mountains can't jump.
What's the difference between cancer and a baby?..
There is none.
What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.
I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.