Worst Jokes Ever

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.

What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he's masturbating?

His ears.

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now!

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.

What is the capital of Greece? -- About 10 dollars.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

Because it was Luke warm.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? -- Because Yoda was in charge of the sequence.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? -- Juan by Juan.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.