Worst Jokes Ever

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"

"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.

What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.

What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? -- Meals on wheels.

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.

What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.

Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock?

She started her period.

Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out.

... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.

Yo mama so poor, the ducks throw bread at her.

Yo mama is so fat, her blood type is Nutella.

Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the beach, the people shout, "Free Willy!"

Yo mama is so poor, she buys used food.

Yo mama was really the reason why the Titanic sunk.

Yo mama so fat, she has her own event horizon.

Yo mama so fat, her blood type is mayonnaise.