Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Worst Jokes Ever
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can't drink and derive.
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
