Worst Jokes Ever

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.

What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.

What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.

The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

Two cows are standing in a field.

Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?

Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

Lol.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What's grey and can't fly?

A parking lot.

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

Friends are like penguins.

If you stab a penguin, they die.

What's white and can't climb a tree?

A refrigerator.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I asked her why. She said, "Because you're a pedophile." I replied, "Pedophile! That's a big word for an eight year old."

A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"

The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."

What would you call four Mexicans drowning in a lake?

*Answer: Quatro Cinco*

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

Heard Stephen Hawking is in a new movie and that the theme tune is absolutely banging. Think the opening line goes something like, “They see me rolling, they hating.”

How do you turn a baby into a dog?

Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!

So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.

Dirty bastards.

How do you give a redneck a circumcision?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

Were you born on the side of the highway because that’s where all mistakes happen?

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person? "What's bringing you down?"