Worst Jokes Ever
What happened to the alligator when he held a GPS?
He became a navigator.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a hostage?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I'm sorry for all the fish puns. I feel so GILL-ty.
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9!!!
I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"
Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"
Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."
Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".
He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"
Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."
The reason Stephen Hawking died is because he drove too far from the wall. The cord unplugged.
The reason Stephen Hawking died is because he drove too far away from the wall; the cord unplugged.
Why did Sally decide to fly to school?
She couldn't drive.
Q. What do you call a gun that rapes someone?
A. An assault rifle.
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
What is the best thing about gay people?
They're gay about being gay even though they're gonna get shot in the USA. Wait, that rhymes!
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Running, JK rolling!
Is Stephen Hawking a physicist now?
No, because he is dead.
What did the penis say to its pee?
"Urine."
A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"
The woman replies, "No, why?"
The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."
I am throwing a party in space. Can you help me planet?
I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.