We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.
What cries, is red, and is a pokey boi?
The baby you just feed nails to.
What do you call a woman who says she can do anything a man can do?
Wrong.
How did the dead baby cross the road?
It was strapped to the chicken.
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
What's the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead children?
My penis.
How many babies does it take to light up a basement?
I don't know, my basement is still dark.
A man (Ameenya Sheed) texts another man (Bob) and said,
"Hi, I'm Ameenya Sheed."
Bob: "You're not in my shed because I don't have one, but I have a garage. I don't think you're in there."
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
What do you call a Mexican that dives into a pool? Bean dip.
I have fun going on them roller coasters that go really high up and sitting by random people, and once we get to the high point, I look at the stranger and go "wham" and unplug their seat belt.
So there was a school shooting in Florida. Why didn't the shooter just go to Disney?.......sorry, I just work there and I'm trying to get people to come on down.
So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.
Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.
Cashier: "Will you want the milk in a bag today, sir?"
Customer: "I’ll just keep it in the carton if you don’t mind."
What pool never runs dry?
The one on the Titanic.
What's a pedophile's favorite holiday?
Halloween. Free delivery!
I met a man named Jebidiah on Xbox Live.
What's the best thing about 20-1 year olds... there's 20.
I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.
He asked for a shot of beer?
He got shot and killed.
