Worst Jokes Ever

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

Don't you just want to go on a mass murder while listening to goodbye Moonman? Oh, just me... OK.

Stormtroopers, I guess they never miss, huh?

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

I was hit on by President Kennedy, too bad I shot him down.

So you can't pay rent and you know you're going to get evicted, but all of the sudden you hear a knock on your door and it's your landlord, but he's naked and erect, and on his cock, it says, "Your rent is due."

Why do cheetahs have spots?

Chickenpox!

Stephen Hawking died because he got hit by a RAM.

How did the Skeleton know it was gonna rain?

He read the weather forecast.

What happens when you eat salmon with Nutella?

You get salmonella.

Dark jokes are like food, not everybody gets it.

A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.

The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!

The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”

Me: So you two girls are from England?

Girls: Wales.

Me: Oh, I see, so you two whales are from England.

I make science puns, but only periodically.

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.

I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.

What do you call a country with nukes?

Abomination.

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

Think like a proton and stay positive!

Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?

Because 7 wanted to bring two knives for survival, but 6 secretly knew that 7 hated him, and didn’t have benign intentions.

Read this out loud to yourself and it’ll make sense. ;)

Why was the sun afraid of the ocean?

'Cause 7 8 9.