Bob: Kanye West.
Dad: No, but I can East.
Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."
Kid: "Why are you doing that?"
Dad: "So you won't get bored there."
Broccoli says, "I look like a tree."
Walnut says, "I look like a brain."
Cashew says, "I look like a kidney."
Banana says, "Can we change the topic please?"
Q: What will we give to a sick lemon?
A: Lemon aid.
Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.
Nutted in her braces, now my kids are behind bars.
I nutted on the wall, call that a walnut.
Konan was having sex on the couch, thinking how he'd come so far.
Q. Why do Skeletons work hard?
A. 'Cause they want the BONEus.
I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.
You're mum.
What do you call a magician that makes beer? Brew-dini?
My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...
"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"
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Why was I angry on my plane? Because I read these stupid 9/11 jokes.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
"Muffin Man, Muffin Man, he's gonna rape you in his van."
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Craig's name is now Craig William Duncan "Froo."
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
