I accidentally hit an orphan with my car, but I was not worried because he couldn’t tell his parents.
On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."
Go fuck yourself
Where in hell is Lee Harvey Oswald now when we need him?
Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.
"We've invented the spade!"
"Oh wow, this is ground-breaking!"
What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?
A baby you cut one off each time.
Steven Hawking walks into a bar... no, I'm just kidding.
Two hats are next to each other. One hat says to the other, "Stay here, I'll go on ahead."
"Ya tryna run? Hop in the van."
Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh 8 jelly tickles
How many tickles does it take for an octopus to laugh
Shipmate: Captain, there’s an iceberg and we need to steer around it right now!
Captain: My momma didn’t raise no pussy. Either that iceberg is gonna move or I am.
What do you call an arrow pointing the wrong way?
A Disap point ment.
“A man came running into a hospital saying” -DOCTOR DOCTOR!!! I CANT FEEL MY LEGS! “The doctor replied” -I know I amputated your ARMS!
I want to do Uranus. (tounge emoji) (wet emoji)
What do you call Mary Berry when she’s on holiday?
A Cake By The Ocean.
Bob: Kanye West.
Dad: No, but I can East.
Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."
Kid: "Why are you doing that?"
Dad: "So you won't get bored there."
