Why can't orphans eat a large bag of chips? Because they're family size.
Life's too short to want it.
I hate rubber.
A man was at the temperature -273.15°C. He was OK.
For some reason, quarks sound really strange to me.
Primary School Maths Teacher: Maths has no Limits!
High School Maths Teacher: There's this thing called Limits.
Q. What did one Iron atom say to the other Iron atom?
A. "We're in the Matrix."
Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."
One day a computer said to another computer, "Why are you so dumb?"
The other computer replied, "Because I have low memory."
"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1......2......3 .....4....5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?
Why go across the street when you can just go down the hall, lol?
What do you call a man with no toes?
No Toe Joe.
Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff?
Yea, they found her “head and shoulders“ on the backseat of her car.
How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
The big hand is on the little hand!
What is a homeless person's favorite joke?... Themselves.
Roses are red, the grass is greener,
Every time I think of you, I play with my weenie.
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No," said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough," his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself."
What's the difference between a midget and a tall person? Only one of them can ride the rides.
Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."
Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."
Sister: (moaning) Go get Mom, she'd love this!
Me: But Billy's with her right now.
Billy: UGHHHH...MMMMM
Dad: Hurry up Billy, I want to see you for a moment.
