Worst Jokes Ever
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.
The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."
The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."
What did the drummer call his 2 twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2.
Only really smart people will get this without it being explained.
Toilet paper fight hat.
Q: What did the person who invented the door knocker get?
A: A no-bell prize.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
Why was 911 annoyed at the pizza guy?
Because they ordered meat lovers, but they got plane.
I've never been to Bradford before until today. While driving through the city center with my dad I asked, "Would you set up a business here?", to which he responded "No".
So I asked "Why not, you'd make us rich!", He gave me a confused face and asked, "How so?".
So I said, "Because sales would be fucking booming!"
I know, it's an awful joke.
Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.
What do you call an Irish man that breaks up fights?
Liam Malone.
There were two snakes slithering along when one snake said to the other snake, "Are we poisonous?" "Idk why?" The other snake responded, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"
Joker: Knock knock...
Batman: Who's there?
Joker: Not your parents!
Friend: What fly's and cry's?
You: A cloud.
Friend: What goes up but not down?
You: Your age.
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
Women have less rights than a NASCAR track.
Why did Rolf Harris meet underage kids?
To tie his kangaroo down, sport!
Why didn’t the toilet cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack!
What do screen doors and blondes have in common?
The more you bang them, the looser they get.
What do you call a baby with red on it?
A baby in a microwave.