Sir, I mustache you a question...
Ah, never mind, I'll just shave it for later.
A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.
He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.
The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.
Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."
I once had clothes that were so unbearably uncomfortable,
but I never realized they suited me.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
you want to her a cheezy pizza joke-never mind its to cheezy hehehehehe
I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.
I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."
“I really hate cats” my friend replied with" you gotta be kitten me."
We never saw him again
Why is April the smartest month?
It can never be fooled.
Joe, I wish you had never asked me to scout for a fresh tight end.
Never eat more than you can lift.
So this guy we talked to wanted me to leave forever, and we said, "What? You never want to hear from me again?"
How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar?
They never get old.
What's long and can never wait for more for the ladies' action and likes when it gets harder...
Your penis!
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
Why will we never get hungry in the desert?
We have lots of sand-which's.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
You said that you would never forget!
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
