Need jokes

What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.

Yo momma so fat that she don't need a backpack. She keeps her things in her Lagrangian points.

I don't need a punchline. Karens are the only joke I need.

How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

Why is it that skinny men like fat women?

Because they need warmth in winter, and shade in summer.

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

Are you a mental hospital? Cause I need to be in you.

Why did Ten need a therapist? He was in between 9/11.

I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have a home page.

One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"

I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."

Why is there no woman on the moon?

Because it doesn't need to be cleaned.

Why was the man running around his bed?

Because he needed to catch up on his sleep!

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Why can orphans not grow big and strong? Because they need a parent to buy them steroids.

Why do girls wear classic rock T-shirts? Because they are stupid little bitches who need to grow some fashion sense because wearing old shit doesn't make you unique.

Why do most orphans become prostitutes?...

'Cause they need to find someone to call DADDY.

I: "Get a boomerang."

Type: "Why?"

Me: "Because for frisbee, you need friends."