My jokes
BOB: Wanna know a joke?
LILLY: What? Your hat?
BOB: No, my life :'(
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, "Listen Barack, I'm getting older and I'm having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?" Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. "Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."
Why did Sally drop her ice cream cone?
Because she got hit by a bus.
My nan's gayyyyyy.
Come on guys, this is nasty, he was my uncle, ffs :(
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
I forgot my lucky egg! It always gives me an eggcellent amount of luck!
Who likes eating ass?
My Little Pony.
My PC.
My mum.
What's the difference between a car and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a car in my garage.
One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.
My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.
Guys, I'm sorry about these bad puns. I should've kept my big Meowth shut.
Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.
My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I answered, "Happy."
The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.
I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a "fret."