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My jokes

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.

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    • Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

    The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

    The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

    The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

    What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

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    • What's the difference between Paul Walker and a PC?

    When my PC crashes, I actually give a fuck.

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    • So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

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    • Look at a bag of black grapes. See how dark they are? That’s how I like my men.

    25 at a time.

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    • Went to my local Indian restaurant and asked the waiter for a chicken tarka Masala.

    The waiter said, "What's that?"

    I said, "It's the same as a tikka, just a little otter."

    Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

    I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.

    Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.

    What’s the difference between a prostitute and cancer?

    A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute can’t beat cancer.

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    • My favorite sex position is the JFK:

    I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

    A man and a cow walk into a McDonalds, and the man walks up to the front counter and says, “I’d like one beef burger.” The employee of McDonalds said, “Sure thing sir, also I really like to see your cow, may I bring him into the back room really quick to show my co-workers?” The man says, “Sure.” The employee takes the cow into the back room. A couple minutes later, the employee came back with his burger. The man took a bite of it, and realized his cow was gone.

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