My jokes

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.

Wanna hear a funny joke?

My life.

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.

Why does my cheating ex-wife wear a colostomy bag?

She lost her ass playing poker...

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.

Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

So my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a ‘single’ joke. Then she said, "Go and f***ing die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF I will break his body for you. Happy now?"

She said, "Sniff, yes."

So, my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a "single" joke, then she said, "Go and fucking die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF, I will break his body for you—happy now?"

She said, "*sniff* yes."

Very sad today. Found my pet mouse "Elvis" dead this morning. He was caught in a trap.

There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.

What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?

My dick.

Someone is adding dirt to my garden!

The plot thickens!

Hi, my name is Jeff.

"Hippity hoppity, women are my property."

I like my woman like I like my wine, 12 years old and locked in the basement.