My jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.

There was a dog in the middle of the room, so I called it and started to play fetch. Then my mother shouted at me for playing with my food. I missed it, but it was tasty.

We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.

I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"

I gotta song for Hawaii, baby, you light up my world like nobody else.

What is the difference between my Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't keep my Lamborghini in my garage.

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

What grade does Sherlock hit on girls from?

Elementary, my dear Watson!

It's not my fault my cousin's hot ;) YEE YEE

Yesterday, my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that, you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try!"

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

What do you call a retarded duck?

Fuck duck and lick my balls.

I lick cows for my mother.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

My heart is like a plane.

It crashes every once in a while.

My dick is red.

Your pussy's pink.

It's really tight

When you're dead.

My dad.

It said to submit a joke, and that's what my mom did when I was born.

"I asked my friend what his height is?" He answered, "I'm sans'sational!"

Monkey: What ya doing?

Other monkey: Just you know, "hanging around."

Bad joke, right? I just can't think of something amazing. It's like my brain is "hanging."