My jokes

What do you say to a pedophile at the beach?

Get out of my son!

No one wanted to hear my ocean puns, they said they were too fishy.

My shirt is only red when I think about sex.

Pedophile: You dropped your candy.

Girl: Thanks!

Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.

Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?

Girl: How far is your house?

Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.

Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?

Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.

Girl:.... Sure! :P

Audience:.........Dumbass girl.

What's the difference between a Lambo and 100 dead babies?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than 9 because my basement's still dark.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.

What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

My dick while I'm doing it.

I wrote "my pen is big," but forgot to space "pen is."

So I was on Google, and on my computer it had Windows. When Stephen Hawking died, it shut down, the shutdown sound played, and wouldn't turn on again.

You wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Never mind, it’s too long.

You wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Don’t worry, it’s too long.

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

Josh: Tell me something funny.

Mark: My life.

What did one hurricane say to the other?

"I got my EYE on you!"

I like wine how I like my woman.

4 year old locked in a basement.

My friend had no school because of heavy snow.

Guess you could say it was a snow school day!

My sex life.

What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My life is such an udder disappointment. What an udder failure!