My jokes
Kid: I don't want to go to the movies.
Mom: Shut your mouth and clean my room!
Baby, here's my anus.
Baby, too, where's my anus?
My question is, how do fat people fit in tuxedos? Honestly, don’t wear those. Wear your regular clothes. Your belly is just gonna pop out!
Have you ever met a kid who’s so fat that they can’t even be accepted to “My 600lb Life”? They need a higher-ranking one!
My friend talking to fat boi: "I can order you at McDonald's: Double Big Mac, triple quarter pounder cheeseburger."
Friend texting fat boy: I know you're on the group chat. I can see you looking at my texts.
Me: I can only see fat.
My family is like Donkey Kong: a real pain in the ass.
One day I was working at the bank, doing my job. Then suddenly a woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Then I told her that her balance is un-balanced.
Pope Francis: "What is the hardest thing about nailing a young boy to a cross?"
"My penis."
Site nearly as dead as my trim.
I’ll never forget my grandpa's last words to me...
“Are you still holding the ladder??”
I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.
What did the math book say to the other math book?
Wanna hear my problems?
What is common in my AirPods and the Titanic?
They sync properly.
My brother told me he wanted to find a golden apple tree in real life. I told him it was a fruitless mission.
So a girl says to her ex, "I can't get you out of my mind, the boyfriend I knew." The girl replies, "I see you in everything, like when I'm walking down the street, even at work, like trash cans are everywhere."
What’s the difference between a Ferrari and ten 6-year-olds?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
I wanted to visit my pet fish, but it was hard to sea it through the darkness.
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"
The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."
The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."
Knock knock!!
Who's there??
Dishwasher!!
Dishwasher who??
Dishwasher way i used to talk when i got my head kicked in!