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My jokes

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

  • 8

    • I have no toes, so I put blood on my foot, and then my other foot got run over, so, ye.

    My mom wanted me to brush my hair.

    And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...

    My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"

    A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

    A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.

    The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"

    "That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.

    The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"

    "That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.

    A few seconds later, the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"

    "Sure," said the little boy.

    The little boy's mother was downstairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there, she saw blood all over the bathtub. "What happened?!" she said.

    "Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."

    A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

    A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.

    They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

    My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."

    My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

    I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

  • 5

    • Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.

    (meaning sad)

    Sell PC.

    Go to Croatia.

    Try to fly to the US to meet female.

    US won't let me in.

    End up in Norway.

    Female leaves me.

    Female gets arrested by feds.

    Feds read all my messages and see my dick pics.

    Just another day in the defib life.

    Bf: Do you love me?

    Gf: Most of the time.

    Bf: Well, it's either yes or no.

    Gf:...

    Bf: Well, when is it that you don't love me?

    Gf: 2:30 to 4:00. Every time when you go to the river an hour, then it takes me a half hour to love you again.

    Bf: Why?

    Gf: 'Cause you always see that OTHER GIRL.

    Bf: MY LOVE! That other girl is my sister!!!

    Gf: Ohh...

    I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.

    Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."

    Gf: "I luv u too."

    Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."

    Gf: "Ah, about that..."

    My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.

    That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

    Bf: Hey, what ya doing?

    Gf: Just lying in bed.

    Bf: Just lying in bed?

    Gf: And eating cereal.

    Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?

    Gf: Eat my cereal.

    Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.

    Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.

    A B C D E F G.

    Gummy bears are chasing me, one is red, one is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life because the red one's got a knife!