My jokes

So a guy gets a motorcycle with authentic leather seats, and the dealer tells him, "Dude, the rain will ruin the seats. Get it under something if it starts raining, and worst-case scenario, put Vaseline all over the seats to make it waterproof." So he goes to his girlfriend's house that night for dinner, and before he goes inside, she says, "Listen, this is your first time meeting my parents. We have a rule: the first one to speak has to do the dishes." So he walks inside and sees a mountain of dishes, over three months' worth, because no one has spoken, and the stench is awful.

During dinner, he concocted a plan to get someone to speak, so he started doing all of this crazy shit to try and get someone to speak. Not a peep. Eventually, he grabs his girlfriend, bends her over, and starts going to town. Still nothing. The parents are outraged but not speaking because they don't want to do the dishes. After about a minute of this, he walks away and does the same to her mum and starts going to town. Now the dad is pissed and just staring him down with daggers. At that moment, it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle is out in the rain, and he grabs the Vaseline out of his pack pocket, and the dad goes, "FINE! I'LL DO THE DISHES!"

Oh my Prince, I've loved you ever since the day we met.

When I was caught in your net of love, sweet love... It's all above...

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

"Today was the worst day ever." "Why?" Because my ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I was at a funeral and told a joke, and my sister said, "I'm dead." So I said, "That's what she said."

Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:

1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."

When I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

There is this boy in my year; he is in a wheelchair, so I kicked a football at him and pushed him, and then I shouted, "Rocket League!"

You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.

I thought happiness started with an “H.” Why does my happiness start with “U”?

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

My dad went out with Nemo one day to the store. They still haven't come back.

"Why is my name Rose?"

"A rose fell on your head when you were born."

"Why is my name Daisy?"

"A daisy fell on your head when you were born."

"Bedrock is better than Java!"

"Oh, hi Brick!"

Someone at my school the other day said that whoever killed Hitler was a hero. Who's going to tell him?

My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?

What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?

My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

So, I was going out the door and I see my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop. I ask if he needs a lift. He replies with "fu.. off." So, I zip up my backpack and keep going to work.

A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says, "Who the fuck's been fucking my wife?" The room goes silent. The guy in the back finishes his beer and says, "You ain't got enough bullets."

Hi guys! Ello here! So I am determined to get as many people as possible to like my jokes and comment. So, without further ado, here goes nothing!

So I have been looking at all your jokes, and UHHHHHH has not been the nicest. I don't really love the words she is choosing, but I'm not going to let her get in my head. :)

So guys make sure that you like and comment! Love y'all!!!!! :D