My jokes

I'm going to draw a picture. A picture with a twist. I'll draw it with a razor blade. I'll draw it on my wrist.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

Orphan: My mommy and daddy love me.

Guy: Where are they then?

Orphan: In the eternal depths of [hell].

Orphans: Where are my parents?

Random person: In the bed.

You know Hitler loves you when he comes up to you on Valentine's Day and he says, "Will you be my Valenein?"

Bestie Hannah heard that bestie Iz had a migraine! What did she do? She said, "My grains don’t hurt that much, at least not when the animals eat them!"

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

Like this post and comment down below if you want me to announce my real name in my next post!

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"

My grandpa was amazing. He killed Hitler.

What are some other names for rape? There’s the classic “struggle snuggle,” but then there’s my personal favorite “fuck fight”.

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?

My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...

Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.

*Everyone Looks at me*

Lick my nut.

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

The Titanic, just like my phone, IT JUST WON'T SYNC.

Edit: Never mind, it started to sync...

Why did Helen Keller's cat run away? I would run away if my name was jufhvfhvurhkso.

What is the difference when I have my dick in your mouth or when you have yours in mine?

Oh, I forgot, you don't got one, bitches, suck my dick.

My jokes are like kids with cancer; they never get old.

Man: *behind the women* She's so ugly!

Woman: My back is not a voicemail, unless you're a coward and can only say it behind my back to my face.