My jokes

I wish my grass was emo, so then it could cut itself.

What’s the difference between the milk and drugs?

My dad brought the drugs back, not the milk though! 😭

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.

There are 4 people on an airplane, and the pilot has a heart attack and dies. The plane is going down, and there are also only 3 parachutes. So the guy who knows how to cure cancer says, "I’m jumping. I can save many lives." Then the 46th president, Joe Biden, says, "I’m taking the 2nd one." So there is only one left. Donald Trump says to the 7-year-old girl, "I have lived a long life. You can take the next one." So the little girl says, "That’s ok; the 46th president took my backpack." Lol.

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

I'm going to draw a picture. A picture with a twist. I'll draw it with a razor blade. I'll draw it on my wrist.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

Orphan: My mommy and daddy love me.

Guy: Where are they then?

Orphan: In the eternal depths of [hell].

Orphans: Where are my parents?

Random person: In the bed.

You know Hitler loves you when he comes up to you on Valentine's Day and he says, "Will you be my Valenein?"

Bestie Hannah heard that bestie Iz had a migraine! What did she do? She said, "My grains don’t hurt that much, at least not when the animals eat them!"

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

Like this post and comment down below if you want me to announce my real name in my next post!

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"

My grandpa was amazing. He killed Hitler.

What are some other names for rape? There’s the classic “struggle snuggle,” but then there’s my personal favorite “fuck fight”.

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?

My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...

Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.

*Everyone Looks at me*

Lick my nut.

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.