I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.
She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.
My Jokes
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
My name is Giselle.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
"Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."
- JFK
Girls' dreams: OMG, my crush kissed me!
Boys' dreams: I just got a dub, bro!
My mom is bad and my dad is bad.
My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.
My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.
One of my family members died on 9/11, he was one of the best pilots in the Middle East.
My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.
Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.
I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.
Your hairline goes so far back that even God said, "I learned about it in my days."
Why do my parents not love me? Because I've fucked 12 dogs and 7 minors while they were watching!
Your hairline goes so far back my history teacher was surprised.
To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.
- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.
- How did the gay person die? Homicide.
- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.
- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.
- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.
- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.
- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.
Why do orphans like boomerangs more than their parents? The boomerang comes back.
One day I saw a kid cry, so I go, "Let's go find your parents." I miss my job at the orphanage.
Why do orphans get lost on boats? They can't find the home room.
