My jokes

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

Knock knock, who's there? God.

God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!

So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.

It worked really well in my local hospital.

My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.

"Wubba Lubba Dub Dub" is one way to describe how my inner child acts, but yesterday I killed them. Now I hear "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub," I’m drowning in the tub.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You'll suck my dick 'cause I'm stronger than you.

This category is messed up.

My Mom died in 9/11, at least she was doing what she loved, flying planes.

My great uncle died in a concentration camp.

He fell off one of the guard towers.

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

My son asked for a swimming pool so I got him a ant 🐜🐜🐜 pool.

At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.

Me: Looks like a girl, sure as h3ll I don't sound like one.

Michael Jackson: Looks like a boy, sure as h3ll don't sound like one.

That [is] what we have i[n] commen, but if you mix up my gender I won't give a F about it. Michael Jackson not so much : )

You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?

Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...

Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.

I asked my French mate if he had a games console. He said, "Oui!"

I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.

He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.

How did Michael Jackson challenge the victim's parents? "Then why won't you slap my face, because I'm bad?"

My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.

My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.

You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.

I'll shut up now.