My penis is too big for my dad to suck it, so my mum sucks it instead.
What's the difference between my mum and my dad?
My mum stayed.
Your mum is so fat Les Dawson would agree with me that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand, she throws it.
What do you call a person with a hole in their shoe?
A Christian.
An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"
Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"
What do you call the woman that fucked sooooooo many hunks to have the condom break and a failure to be born? Ur Mum.
Evan, yo mum rode on my big PP love, dad.
So a guy gets a motorcycle with authentic leather seats, and the dealer tells him, "Dude, the rain will ruin the seats. Get it under something if it starts raining, and worst-case scenario, put Vaseline all over the seats to make it waterproof." So he goes to his girlfriend's house that night for dinner, and before he goes inside, she says, "Listen, this is your first time meeting my parents. We have a rule: the first one to speak has to do the dishes." So he walks inside and sees a mountain of dishes, over three months' worth, because no one has spoken, and the stench is awful.
During dinner, he concocted a plan to get someone to speak, so he started doing all of this crazy shit to try and get someone to speak. Not a peep. Eventually, he grabs his girlfriend, bends her over, and starts going to town. Still nothing. The parents are outraged but not speaking because they don't want to do the dishes. After about a minute of this, he walks away and does the same to her mum and starts going to town. Now the dad is pissed and just staring him down with daggers. At that moment, it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle is out in the rain, and he grabs the Vaseline out of his pack pocket, and the dad goes, "FINE! I'LL DO THE DISHES!"
I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"
She replied, "Two or three."
Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.
Why does an orphan play mum and dad?
'Cause they need self-love.
Your mum is so fat, when she sat in a monster truck, it turned into a lowrider.
Why did the cow lick your mum?
Because she had a cream pie.
Yo mama is so smelly that whenever she steps outside, she pollutes the air!
Hey mum, why do people keep suddenly dying in our family?
Mum?
Mum?
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!
Why was Aaron's mum sad? The bus missed Aaron.
I fiddled your mum last night, she fucking moaned like a fucking wilder beast.
Once I sucked my mum's titties. Most adopted people won't know about that.
Your mum isn't home.
Why did your mum touch me? Because she was a pedo.
You're mum.
