Morbid jokes
Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.
Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.
Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."
What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.
I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.
What's a lesbian's favorite sport? Dodgeball.
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."
We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!
I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.
I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To end his pain and suffering.
I love telling jokes about orphans.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.
Bad jokes are like the planes in 9/11, they don't land.
What do you call 2 nudists in Africa?
Naked and Afraid.
Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!
What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?
Hearing AIDS.
What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?
The drone guy didn't know either.
People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”