Morbid jokes

My friends.

My mom gave me a golden shovel and a hoe. I said, "Why do I need this?" She said, "That you every year."

Papa: Johnny, Johnny.

Johnny: Yes, Papa?

Papa: Open wide.

Johnny: HAHAHA.

Papa: *unzips pants*

Johnny: *crying* No, Papa!

What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?

You can't fuck a rock.

A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"

How to make a baby make funny faces?

Put it feet first in a blender.

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"

The bartender says, "No bread here."

And then the duck says, "Got any bread?"

And the bartender says, "Didn't I just f***ing say that there was no bread here?"

And the duck says, "Got any bread?!"

And the bartender says, "You stupid duck! Or should I say d***? There's no bread here. Don't make me say that again, or I'll pin you to the wall with a nail."

So the duck says, "Got any nails?"

And then the bartender looks surprised, and says, "Of course I've got f***ing nails. Can't you see them?"

And the duck says, "Got any bread?"

And the bartender throws the duck out of the bar.

How do make an adult cry?

Stab him 10000 times until the floors are red with human blood.

When your baby is stillborn and you have a funeral, what song should you never play?

Alphaville - "Forever Young."

I broke up with my ex girlfriend. Here's her number.

Sike, that's the wrong number!

ooooooooooooooooooooo

Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a Viagra.

Jill was drunk, fell to her knee, Jack had his chance, did Jill till 3.

Goats are like mushrooms.

If you shoot a cat, I'm scared of toasters.

My Countryhumans OC, Sahara, is the daughter of France and Soviet. When people ask why, I tell them it was the gendersnapped version of my parents making me. France (my dad) was drunk and Soviet (my mom) was being horny. Then they judge me, so I judge them with a knife to the chest 47 times.

5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"

Roses are red, the sky is blue, what do you do? Oh, never mind, I'm not homo like you.

"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."

Borthwick's hairline.

Free will is like having a vagina. You don't need to know how to use it, and you don't need to know what it does, but what matters is that you have it.

You know you have a domestic abuse problem when you beat your dick.

Goes to school with blue suppressed pistol. #1 Victory Royale!