Morbid jokes

New civil war themed porn title: “Harriet Tubman gets hit with something other than an iron ingot.”

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.

I invited my friend with a vasectomy to a party.

Unfortunately, he couldn't come.

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"

Two people are under the covers. The man says, "Quote the Beatles: Come together!"

A boy and girl are fucking. The girl yells "Senpai!" The boy smiles, pleased, but then her father walks in and says "What?"

"Mine is 3 inches."

"That's not very lo..."

"From the ground."

When you say, "I'm high!"

But then you fall off.

A boy and his mother survived a car crash.

The boy asks his mother, "Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?" The mother replies with "More like an accident."

So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."

A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."

Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."

What do you call 2 spies fucking?

Undercover.

What is Juice WRLD's favorite restaurant?

Little Seizures.

A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”

The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

My boss had the heart of a child.

In a jar. On his desk.

An Irishman walks into a pub.

What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?

I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."