My sister is so annoying. She won $10,000 to go to hell.
If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.
I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.
Lol, I keep stealing my dad's medication money, and the best part is he never remembers.
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What did my dad say before he went to go get milk?
"There's money in my wallet for pizza. I love you."
What happened when the American broke his arm?
He went broke.
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Coming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry? - Adam?
- Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!
Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!
Money means nothing to me. Ask me for it, you will get nothing.
Why don't stags buy drugs? Because they are too deer.
Did you hear about the dyslexic wanna-be bank robber? He walked in and yelled, "HANDS UP, THIS IS A MOTHER STICKING F##K UP!" The lucky idiot got away because nobody could stop laughing!
I'm not gay, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.
Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “Whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down.” One kid stepped up and slid down. He wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money. He then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
How do you know if an Asian has been in your house?
Your dog's gone.
Your finances are done.
And your floaties.
Aunt: On the internet, buying weight loss pills for 15 dollars.
Niece: I found that show on Netflix that you wanted to watch. It's 3 dollars to watch.
Aunt: I'm not paying for that shit.
Niece: Yet you sit there and buy weight loss pills.
You should never date a prospector. They're all just gold diggers.
Why would you never donate to crabs?
Because they're shellfish!
I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
Why don't some people like pennies?
Because it's common cents.
