Mom's jokes

Your mom's so fat, when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices!

Mom: Wake up!

Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...

Mom: Why are you disappointed?

Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.

But she has to. She's his mom.

Kid: Are you gay?

Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

Your mom is a slow comedian. It took her 9 months to make a good joke.

Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."

Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."

Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."

Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."

What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?

They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”

The day after Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"

Why were the Twin Towers scared at dinner?

Because their mom said, "Here comes the airplane!"

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.

My favorite sex position is ‘WOW.’ It's where I flip your mom upside down.

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.

Christopher's Mom said, "One man's trash is another man's treasure."

Turns out Christopher was adopted.

Kid: What is between mom's legs?

Dad: Paradise.

Kid: What's between your legs?

Dad: The key to paradise.

Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.

So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”

MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”