Mom's jokes

Sara's Mom was helping her prepare for her driver's test.

Mom: "Okay, any questions?"

Sara: "Yes. I actually don't know what "yield" means."

Mom: "Don't worry, Hon. No one does."

What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"

My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"

I said, "Are you going to punish me?"

Ur mom gay lololololololol.

My mom is a chemistry teacher.

Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.

Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!

There are 5 cows in a field. One of them is the mom, the rest are kids. One of the kids walked up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Daisy?" and then a daisy fell on her head.

The second cow came up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Rose?" and then a rose fell on her head. Then the 3rd cow said, "Why am I named Violet?" then a violet fell on her head. Then the 4th cow walked up and said, "Merrrbere." Then the mom said, "Shutup, cinder block!"

Your mom has a bone to pick with me.

I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?

I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.

I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.

Your mom is so fat she won't be in a coffin when she dies. She won't fit in it.

Kid: Are you gay?

Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

Your dick is so small it's the size of a tic tac. Oh, that's why your mom's breath was so fresh last night.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

What do you call a duck that is addicted to drugs?

A quack head!

My mom must be a duck then...

What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.

Q: What do you call a tsunami?

A: Your mom's water breaking.

Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

Mom: Hey, there's IHOP.

Kid: You hop to.

Your mom's just like a penny. Practically worthless, and in everyone's pants.