Mom jokes

Why didn't the pirate write a letter to his mom?

Are you kidding me?!?

There is someone in my class named Henry Rocket Rueben, and he always says he rockets into my mom.

Your classmate: You're so ugly.

Me: That's what your mom said when she had you and called you a mistake.

Bubba couldn't make rent, so he offered to sleep with the landlady instead.

I think he forgot he lived in his mom's basement.

One day I asked my mom where kids came from. She said the man who went to the milk store.

Five years later, he came back and left again.

Everyone says Kenny has an easy life.

I disagree. I hear his mom likes complicated sex positions.

Your mom's so heavy that it caused Atlas, the Titan, to slip a disc.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

Your mom should show you your real home. The trash!

If death was an option for a look, you could be the first.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your fat ass mom.

What kind of cow has 2 legs?

YOUR MOM!!

My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.

Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.

Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.

Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!

I wanna date you.

Said mom, dad said no, you are a horrid, f*cking d*ck.

I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.

A mom gave her son "the talk". Her son replies, "Wait, so there really isn't candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied."

Me telling my parents I'm depressed: my parents, "No, you're just a little stressed and want attention, am I right?" My depression worsening, me: "Yeah, you're totally right mom..." Me in my head making a plan to commit suicide.....

I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?

Mom: It's time for sleep.

Baby: Is that what you think, huh?

Mom: *gives baby pacifier*

Baby: Nice try, hobo.

Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.

*few hours later*

Baby: *still awake*

Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!

Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.

I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions.

Onions was a good dog.