I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.
"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."
I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.
A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”
Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”
Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."
Two men ran into a bar. You would have thought after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it.
Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.
Dad: We are giving your toys to the orphanage.
Kid: Why?
Dad: So you won't get bored.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
I love rap!
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
This one kid I knew had Down syndrome, and he turned a mirror upside down trying to get rid of it.
My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.
The jury: O.o
Me: *gets down on one knee*
Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!
Me: *falls over*
Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.
