Misunderstanding jokes

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"

Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"

The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"

Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."

The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."

Just because she weighed as much as two women... Doesn't mean you had a threesome.

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true.

I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

Two men ran into a bar. You would have thought after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it.

Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."

People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.

Dad: We are giving your toys to the orphanage.

Kid: Why?

Dad: So you won't get bored.

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

When the school shooter says, "Everybody get down!" and the autistic kid thinks it's Simon Says: 🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️

A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."

Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."

A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”

Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

This one kid I knew had Down syndrome, and he turned a mirror upside down trying to get rid of it.

I love rap!

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.