Mistake Jokes

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

You know what is the worst mistake every human being made?

Answer: Living.

"Ur mum gay..."

Sorry wrong person.

My son said he burnt food on accident, so I told him he was an accident.

Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.

When you accidentally choke your girlfriend to death and then realize that it's your sister so who gives a f**k?

I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"

I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and have some fun.

Silly Jill forgot the pill, and now they have a son.

What did the cow call its own life? An udder mistake.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

B is for Basil assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away.

D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.

E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

G is for George smothered under a rug.

H is for Hector done in by a thug.

I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.

J is for James who took lye by mistake.

K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.

L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.

N is for Neville who died of ennui.

O is for Olive run through with an awl.

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.

Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.

R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.

S is for Susan who perished of fits.

T is for Titus who flew into bits.

U is for Una who slipped down a drain.

V is for Victor squashed under a train.

W is for Winnie embedded in ice.

X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.

Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.

Why did Stephen Hawking die? ... Because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep."

You just made a Mist-ake.

What do you call your son?

An mistake.

When you go to your girlfriend's house but accidentally go into her dad's room and fuck him anyway.

Oofer.

I have sex daily, I mean dyslexia, fuck!

You need to play a B flat, not a C sharp, you just got band!

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.