Miscellaneous jokes
What did John say after someone shot his leg?
Oof!
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It didn't; it got stuck in a crack.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!
I'mma flip this coin, if it lands on heads, tuh, you gotta give me head, if it lands on tails then you gotta give me the booty, so lets give this a try *flips coin* OOP! Would ya look at that, it landed on both, ESSKETIT!
How do you saw an apple with no mouth?
A P P L E
My life.
Kill me, please.
If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
"Florida was ranked the worst state in the 50 states by Thriller."
Florida: Well, WE didn't want to give our oranges anyway!
What’s Steven Hawking's fav[orite] food?
WiFi chips or his shoulder?
Wanna hear the car joke?
Nah, it's too fast for you.
Stephen Hawking drove too far from the wall and unplugged.
He also forgot to pay the power bill.
If you replaced the boss in Portal with a boy, you would hear Stephen Hawking.
Me: I must have a mirror in my jeans, 'cause I see you in my pants.
Friend: I have the eye of the tiger.
Me: So what? I have the balls of a gorilla.
Parents: We can't come back to the zoo next week!
The point of war is not to die for your country, but to make the fresh recruit on the enemy's side die for his.
Stroke victims are my heroes.
My favorite is Louis C.K.
What's the difference between a grape and an elephant?
I don't know, what?
They are both purple except for the elephant.
What happens when you throw water on Stephen Hawking?
He says, "Oh fuck fuck fuck!"
What do you call a fish with no legs?
Fsh have no legs.
What do you do with legs?
Fsh have no legs.
What do you do with legs?
Break!
What goes in soft and comes out hard?
Gum, you whore!
A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"
She likes rough sex with handcuffs and I’ll be honest... She likes me to Chris Brown her when she acts like Rihanna.