Miscellaneous jokes
What did John say after someone shot his leg?
Oof!
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It didn't; it got stuck in a crack.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!
I'mma flip this coin, if it lands on heads, tuh, you gotta give me head, if it lands on tails then you gotta give me the booty, so lets give this a try *flips coin* OOP! Would ya look at that, it landed on both, ESSKETIT!
My life.
Kill me, please.
If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
What's the difference between a grape and an elephant?
I don't know, what?
They are both purple except for the elephant.
"Florida was ranked the worst state in the 50 states by Thriller."
Florida: Well, WE didn't want to give our oranges anyway!
Me: I must have a mirror in my jeans, 'cause I see you in my pants.
Stroke victims are my heroes.
My favorite is Louis C.K.
Stephen Hawking drove too far from the wall and unplugged.
He also forgot to pay the power bill.
If you replaced the boss in Portal with a boy, you would hear Stephen Hawking.
What happens when you throw water on Stephen Hawking?
He says, "Oh fuck fuck fuck!"
What do you call a fish with no legs?
Fsh have no legs.
What do you do with legs?
Fsh have no legs.
What do you do with legs?
Break!
A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"
Friend: I have the eye of the tiger.
Me: So what? I have the balls of a gorilla.
Parents: We can't come back to the zoo next week!
The point of war is not to die for your country, but to make the fresh recruit on the enemy's side die for his.
Wanna hear the car joke?
Nah, it's too fast for you.
How do you saw an apple with no mouth?
A P P L E
What goes in soft and comes out hard?
Gum, you whore!
What’s Steven Hawking's fav[orite] food?
WiFi chips or his shoulder?
She likes rough sex with handcuffs and I’ll be honest... She likes me to Chris Brown her when she acts like Rihanna.